Prince Edward County Cottage

This past weekend we rented a cottage in a glorious location. The weather was perfect and the kids had a wonderful time. It was so relaxing. Definitely the start of summer!

The kids were excited to sleep together

Enjoying the beach at nearby Sandbanks (I must say she IS berry sweet!)



Hard at work building a sand castle

Talking a stroll on the beach

Maya adds some finishing touches to the monument

The "king" in his castle!

More fun in the sun and sand

Enjoying the pool at the cottage

Our cottage for the weekend

Maya enjoying the little beach by the cottage

The beautiful waterfront

Hanging out together

More fun in the sand

Enjoying al fresco dining

Another construction project - this one is pretty muddy

Maya getting dunked to clean off all the

sand

Sandbanks

Every year our adoption agency has a reunion at Sandbanks Provincial Park. The beach and the weather were lovely and the kids all had a great time. It was wonderful to see everyone again. Here are a few snaps from the day.

N. enjoying his sandwich

The big brothers hanging out in the tent


Ann-Marie and Sophie

Lia on the beach

Another pic of N.

Miss Maya taking a stroll

Such a cutie pie!!!

Hangin' on the beach

And snackin'

Sandwiched

Yep, my sister and I feel like we are the poster children for the Sandwich Generation.

I have generally tried to keep this blog light and focus on the kids and their activities.

But I thought I'd write a little bit about being sandwiched. I think this is a topic that may resonate with adoptive parents who tend to be older and are at risk of being sandwiched - that is, parenting a young child while having to take care of their own parent.

Our story is a pretty extreme one - but I think the lessons we have learned are worth sharing - if only to help someone else in this situation along the way.

Over the last 3 years, my sister and I have become the Power of Attorney for THREE elderly relatives - first my childless uncle and aunt - my uncle was 93, had mild dementia and terminal leukemia, and my now 89 year old aunt, who we believe has moderate stage Alzheimer's. They were also the victims of financial elder abuse (which is an unbelievable story for another time !)

More recently, we became the Power of Attorney for our 82 year old mother who has Primary Progressive Aphasia, a rare form of dementia primarily affecting the language centre of the brain.

Over this time period, my sister and I have both held down full-time, demanding professional jobs while raising young children (with life-threatening food allergies ). I also was either in the stressful process of an international adoption or chasing a toddler. Up until December I also worked in Guelph, lived in Mississauga, and was caring for elderly relatives in Toronto.

As nothing can truly prepare you for parenthood, we were unprepared for the magnitude of the care required for our elderly relatives and the resistance that we encountered from them along the way.

Caring for them was and is emotionally and physically exhausting. On top of our already busy lives, we were suddenly responsible for finding them accommodation, fighting a legal battle , dealing with doctors appointments and chemotherapy (in the case of my uncle), buying them clothes, cleaning out their apartment, dealing with their finances and taxes, and selling their home.

Just as things were settling down a bit (after we settled the elder abuse issue), our mother started to decline rather significantly - she ended up losing her licence in the fall of 2009 and then by July of 2010 we felt strongly that she should not be living independently any more.We ended up hiring a live-in caregiver to permit her to stay in her home as long as possible to honour her wishes. Over the last year, she has declined precipitously. She can barely speak now or understand language and spending time with her is emotionally exhausting and frustrating because of her inability to communicate. We accompany her to all important doctor appointments, deal with her finances, deal with her caregiver payroll and taxes, and take care of her on the weekends.

Earlier this year, my aunt had a massive stroke. She was hospitalized for almost 3 months - and spent much of this time in a hospital 1.25 hours from my home. At the beginning, it took over three hours to visit her round trip and I was going 2-3x per week. She has fortunately had a miraculous recovery, but we wonder how long it will be until the next crisis -for either her or my mom.


So this is a sample of what our life as part-time eldercaregivers is like.

I'd like provide some tips for those of you on the cusp or midst of dealing with these issues:

1) Have the conversation with your loved ones and then have it again and again. That is, understand what your parent wants when they can no longer look after themselves. There is a tendency for the elderly to be in denial about the fact that some day they may not be able to care for themselves - have the conversation before dementia sets in and have it often. I would even suggest writing down the plan for future reference.

2) Encourage them to downsize or get rid of excess stuff- before it becomes your responsibility. My uncle and aunt owned a 6000 ft2 warehouse and we ended up having to deal with all the junk. Not fun and, frankly, not fair.

3) Encourage them to stop driving if you think they are endangering themselves or others. A doctor can help with this or you can take them to a specialized driving test centre.

4) Make sure your parent has powers of attorney for personal care and property (finances) - your life will be a whole lot easier if these are drafted before you need them.

5) Once you take on the responsibilities of caring for an elderly relative, GET AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN AFFORD. I cannot stress this enough. There are lots of services out there to help. I certainly exhausted myself before we started using some of these services: Seniors for Seniors, Bayshore, Ambutrans, H&R Block, 1800-GOT- JUNK, Furniture Bank, and Platinum Care. I'm still exhausted but I'd be more exhausted without these services!

6) Enlist as many family members and friends to help as you can.

7) Get even better at multi-tasking - we frequently take my mom to visit my aunt for example.

8) Take a break occasionally if you can- try to eat healthy, exercise and get a decent night sleep - you are likely in it for the long haul - years not months if you are dealing with someone with dementia. [I'm still working on taking my own advice on this one!!]

9) Avoid the temptation of overprogramming your children and choose one or two activities that you can manage and that they really enjoy.

10) Set aside time for you and your spouse (if you have one) to be alone.

Well, that's it for now. I hope that this helps some of you out there - either now or in the future.